Day off, garageband, stream of devolving consciousness.

SleepytimeSong#199

For Dad, from Dad, with Dad. My father was riddled with guilt and regret late in life, about his part in our dysfunctional family. Even more so after coming to spend time with me in recent years and hear in person the details of what demons have somewhat ruled my last decade. Again, he blamed himself where i didn't hold such grudges or blame. He recorded this song for me at some point - maybe best that i can't find it. I'm so glad these last years he came to knowing many ultimate truths, one being that the past is gone, regret is futile, and todays are for loving as much as possible. This last 2 years I fully had the loving father of my dreams, and I'm so grateful for his courage and wisdom and tenacity to know it wasn't too late.
I guess it's my turn to experience that full circle of sadness, regret, letting-go, and self-forgiveness. "We do what we can do with what we got, one day at a time. That's it."

the three

Bottled messages

clink and slide across the ice

too far above me

What is the thought that kicks you out of heaven?

From cabin mojawk 2011

From cabin mojawk 2011

From cabin mojawk 2011

From cabin mojawk 2011

Retreat to a New Place that is Home

I must go. No Roommate for weeks on end can not do what time in the cabin does. I tried.
The computer, the phone, the food, the mindlessness-enabling comforts of home.
When I knew I had to go, I had the most amazing dream.
An "I know you're listening" dream.

from Failed Transmissions - printed silk pillow

There are many flavors of dreams and this was of the THIS IS YOUR LIFE variety, most commonly portrayed in books about dreams, as though we always dreamed in crystalline metaphors and mystical archetypes with messages.  But this one was just that. Complete with the white spirit animal, up in my face until aknowledged as such. My general sense of something going on in my life was so beautifully illustrated in this amazingly vivid and electrified place. It showed me that several things were converging as one significance, versus "i met these new friends, and i'm going to the cabin to clear my head, and i've been thinking about this distant connection lately". I was literally walked to a New Place and after receiving an envelope with some money in it the organizers provided as part of registration or whatever, I turned to see this breathtaking view to my right. Green mountainsides and rocky outcroppings, gleaming in the sun. It stopped me in my tracks. This was my new home, and even better - I loved it here. We walked back along the line and there some women older than i, more new friends from this place, laughed with me as if we'd know each other for a long time -  and suggested some places I might like to hang out. I was excited about surprising a new friend with a trip I was sure he'd like. Something to do with wine. I had tickets. My mom argued that it wasn't today, it was tomorrow - when i couldn't go because of work. I argued back, but a poster on second look listed all 3 days being in ALBANY. Huh. I guess Albany is closer than I'd imagined? Or why else would they be advertising here? I looked at a map. But it wasn't a paper map, it was something else - made of life or something. It showed Albany to the bottom left, and my cabin area/also this new world in the center, and I struggled to locate familiar Massachusetts up in the righthand corner. It grew small and disconnected. I imagined a simple route south, but then the "road", looking like a wide river, was long and indirect, with no direct lines to my destination. As I forgot about Albany, it would reassert itself, like the animals in my dreams - demanding some lucid attention from me before letting me get on with the dream.
When I woke up I was so grateful. So many "failed transmissions"... this one was clearer. A bone thrown. Every image was so easily associated with current feelings and thoughts and dynamics, while shedding new light on them. But WTF is with Albany? Superstitious about my relationship with whatever grants me these dreams, I figured I'd better look into it if I wanted any more. I asked my friend Jeff. Nothing.
That day I went to check weather.com for the temp. out in the Berkshires this week. It's always hard because the park is hard to locate near a town that's listed. So I tried one out, and stared at the mapless page, realizing the futility and pointlessness anyhow. It was going to be fucking cold. And then below the listing it says CHECK UPDATES FOR ALBANY, NY. I thought it was weird but didn't make the connection till later, after asking around about it, doing a quick map check online (holy geography. I have no sense of upstate new york. I was imagining Albany where Ithica is)...anyhow then I watch my daily rerun of the Office, and the scranton branch is playing volleyball at the company picnic. I'm leaning into my screen to read the matching t-shirts of the other team. ALBANY.

So off I go. This is not Cabin #1. This is "the other one" at Mohawk. It is large. Twice as much wood to heat - high ceilings and a second room even. But it gets more light and is therefore a bit nicer to spend a day inside reading, sitting, writing, singing, sitting, eating, all while tending the fire. I will be back Friday. There are outcomes I'm hoping for. I'll admit that. The work of Byron Katie rarely fails me. But what I always know for sure is that cabin times deliver exactly what I need. Dreams, pests, injury, forgotten items, interruptions, crazymaking thoughts, fear... bring it, my friends! I give thanks in advance!

(of course Beary comes along. Are you going to ask that every time?)

Another lap around our fairest sun. BFD? or A NEW BEGINNING? (versus Old Beginnings)

Not until my trainer said "OKAY I WANT YOU ALL TO WORK EXTRA HARD CAUSE THIS IS YOUR LAST TIME BOXING IN THIS DECADE" (yes, she does speak in all caps) did i realize the whole end-of decade thing. I'm not one for the numbers. 

Right Over Left, from
the Pop Up Book of Terror and Despair, 2007

Starting 2001, for realz, i can honestly say it has been a relentlessly difficult ten years. I've said more than a few times, with a tired laugh finding it's way from my wet face in my hands, "it just hasn't been my decade."  Very Charlie Browny, I know. I'm more than aware. But given the actual circumstances, about as hopeful and surrender-ful as could be. Having remembered a time when life felt very different Before and Since a particular time in early 2001 creates this notion of a hopefully-bookended period of my life, versus an acceptance of "this is how it is now [-adays]."  "But Bridget, you know that only by fully saying Yes to and accepting this moment can you be happy/at peace... and this peaceful moment is all there is..."
Yup, I do.
Also, one can say "I have cancer. And I'm at peace." While at the same time motivating their spirits and bodies through more difficult times with the belief that they will get better/survive/"beat it". At least it's my experience. I feel it fully when I am saying NOOOOOOO!!!!! to what's going on during a painful time, and know it's a trap I'm stuck in.  Pema Chodron said "give up hope" - it was a completely baffling and eventually profoundly transformative teaching for me. Scratch "get better" off your list - this is it. But there are times when survival mode makes presence just about impossible, and hope or done are the polarities. Anyone who has been really sick and has a cache of Distress Tolerance skills under their belt knows that the magic words to hang in and sit through it is "this too shall pass." And there is some "future" and "hope" serving me in those moments. Even if it is, literally, about 30 seconds from now, not looking 5 years out.

Togo, 2010

So anyway, damning or not, I've created my story to have a chapter here. A chapter i try to close and start anew every day. So yes, i'll take that January 1st placebo, thank you. I have to believe that the possibility inherent in every singular moment for unstrung thusness could be especially within reach/realizable at a time when I'm believing a New Beginning is at hand. As my psychiatrist said as she pushed another long-resisted/refused Rx at me last week, "it can't possibly get worse." I know that's like a cosmic dare on some level. I guess if more annhiliation is what is in store for this continual becoming, i can just welcome that as easily (who just put an anvil in my chest?), and give myself some time and space for the weariness alongside a lighter floating-along-in-boat detachment. I can be both.

"Opening" Taken at St. George's Island, 2008.  B.A.M.

So today I'm daring myself to collect my blessings, re-commit to peace for myself and others, get rewired up to Everything/source/whathave you, and be brave enough to choose hope when the enourmity of reviewing the years is at hand. Which I do want to do. I was an avid journaller for 10+ years, and stopped when the books became too heavy with repetition - identical pages of despair, almost to the word, in every book year after year. So I stopped, and started making art. But I've found I've lost something there - I stopped torturing myself with Story and Time, but I lost learning, seeing change, and blessings (many of you know by now I have a few memory issues. ahem. where was I?)
My dad, having just lost his other daughter, found it in his heart to still feel for me, and sent an intense email last night. so emphatic that he was "a believer" that i was coming back to the light, and named the chapter-finishing, recent travels, meeting a couple of new friends and the inspiration i've found in the window into their worlds as unfettered creators and passionate seekers - all as good signs. Maybe he's just saying anything to have a happy and healthy daughter in the world. Or maybe he's right.
Akeru - an ending or opening or left-behind hole that creates the space for newness and possibility. (yaaay). 
Maybe I'll get to go "home" to the woods next week and fire and feed and silence and read my way to where this is all complete bullshit. Or maybe that will be the case after I get up and stretch and drink some water. But today, December 31, 2010, at 1:38pm, These were my Thoughts on the New Year. Peace.

That website I said people needed..

Okay, so I went on and on in my chapter about the lack of simple informative resources for all the teachers and parents googling "crafts for kids" or "art projects" and the like - that there just weren't sites that were actually offering appropriate activities/info for how to actually nurture your kids' creativity, versus destroying it with handprint turkeys and coloring books.
The editors, godblessem, said, "don't you think you ought to go ahead and create that resource?"

So, I have to (i guess?) get stuff I've already created for professional development/teacher trainings etc into PDF's and put them up on this page, maybe with some blurbs from my chapter...
here's all I have so far. Kind of the intro page. I had a sparse splash page, but as rad as Wix is, i get a bit lost and kind of screwed up the pages. Take a looksee, give me your thoughts, and what you want out of such a website. And how you want it. I know I need to change the scribbly font, bt Wix has limited options and I had trouble letting go.
http://www.everykidsanartist.com/